Yeesh. Yeesh yeesh yeesh.

So, in a fit of nostalgia, I decided to go back and play the Megaman X series. That, and a friend of mine happened to have all of them and was willing to entrust their awesomeness to my unworthy console.  Eight games (plus an RPG I think?), eight bosses in each game, that’s 64 levels plus Sigma, Sigma-2, Sigma-3, etc. of platformy, deliciously blow-uppy goodness. Blow-uppy is a word as long as I say it is.

What’s the problem then, Another Gamer? Did you find that those awesome games of your childhood weren’t as awesome in adulthood?

 

OF COURSE NOT, YOU FOOL! X1-X6 are AWESOME. They kick so much ass, SPCA could almost charge them with animal abuse! X was innovative, X-2 built on its predecessor, X-3 was a flawed but amazing conclusion to the SNES days. X-4 was VOICE ACTED OMGSH ZERO’S VOICE IS SO SEXY <333 X-4 was also in my opinion the height of an epic battle between two forces, neither of which was truly good or evil. Very shades-of-grey (not BDSM) for a Megaman video game. X-5 was again awesome, but more for its gameplay innovations than its plot. Having said that, the plot was awesome and involved a giant space station crashing to earth. Rockin’! X-6, like X-3, was a flawed but still pretty awesome conclusion to the PlayStation era of Megaman! (Now, with real awesome Japanese voice acting-desu! Makes it feel more anime-like than any of the previous ones!) And btdubs… I did beat the tutorial level of Megaman X-6 using a Dance Dance Revolution dancepad. Just for the nerd cred. It was hard. I flailed like a fat kid playing Dynamite Rave on Heavy.

 

Hoo boy. Then I decided to start with X-7. What. The. Hell. What? What?? My flabbergasted speechlessness is understandable to anyone who has picked up that godawful game.

I look so natural and realistic!

I look so natural and realistic!

My graphics are polished and not confusing!

My graphics are polished and not confusing!

 

LOOK, MA, I'M IN THREE-D!!

LOOK, MA, I’M IN THREE-D!!

 

Let’s go on an in-depth search for why, in the remake of Star Wars: Episode IV, instead of putting normal trash in the garbage compactor scene, they simply filled it full of copies of Megaman X-7. It’s so bad, nobody would even save Luke, because they didn’t want to leave this game in existence.

  • The game sucks.
  • Bad.
  • The graphics are awful and klunky.
  • The voice acting sounds like it was done in a tin can that was placed in a prefab house driving on the freeway at 65 miles per hour.
  • The voice acting also sounds like it was done by a prepubescent teen with strep throat.
  • The tutorial was awful, and by awful I mean perhaps one of the most awful tutorials ever.
  • The tutorial was not only awful, but it didn’t prepare you for the game at all.
  • The plot was contrived and confusing, with a long introduction about things nobody cares about!
  • The game itself was… just… mind-numbingly awful. It tried to make a 3-D platformer but instead created something that was the awful, hell-spawned lovechild of the worst of the Contra games and Megaman Legends, and then got a hefty dose of radiation on the way out and was born as a mutated nightmare. I cannot hate this game enough.

 

I’m glad we had this talk. Don’t play this game. Please. Seriously. Don’t.

 

See you next week!

~AG

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About Isaac Smith

I write about music, technology, video games, and probably many other subjects that don't bear mentioning here. Either way, most of it's worth reading, and you may even enjoy yourself!

Posted on August 30, 2013, in Miscellaneous and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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