Monthly Archives: September 2013

Fez: An unparalleled giant of game design.

There’s a point I get to in every game called “judgment time.” In some games (like Mario), it’s pretty early. “What makes up this game? Jumpin’ on stuff, gettin’ high on shrooms, SAVE THE PRINCESS YEAH!” Other games, like Okami, take time. “Hmm, now I can go to this place that I couldn’t before… how does this weapon change how I’m able to fight things…? What, a plot twist?!” You get the picture.

At judgment time, I look at what the game has to offer me and figure that it’s not going to change all that much during the course of the rest of the game. In The Last Story, which I “reviewed” in another post, it took me all of about four seconds to realize that I was going to hate myself for playing the rest of the game. Sometimes it doesn’t take that long to know. Same with Megaman X7. Yeesh.

Fez screwed with me, though. Playing Fez was like falling in love: just when I thought I had seen all there was to see about the game, it threw something else at me, something unexpected and beautiful. Had I chosen to get everything in the game (which I unfortunately elected not to do), it would have taken many weeks, perhaps even months of careful searching and playing. Even through to its multiple ends, the game leaves you with more than you began with, as well as some delicious food for thought.

This pixely little guy goes to pixely places, and you just wish you could be there too,

This pixely little guy goes to pixely places, and you just wish you could be there, too.

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The New Fairytale

I’m sorry for not writing before now! Two reasons: first, my computer is kaput. Not your problem, I know, but it did kind of put a damper on my blogging abilities. Second (related to first as well), I’m playing through the game FEZ, and I’m working on kind of a big post about it. However, I realized that I was not nearly deep enough into the game to do it justice, and my save file had just been erased. So, the past week has been comprised of relearning and redoing everything I already did, and finishing up that game. Look for the awesome post Monday! It’s going to be magnificent. Anyway!

With the recent release of GTA V I thought it’d be a good time to discuss the positive impact video games have on our children.

No, really.

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Cimmerian Space: A Different Kind of Browser Game

Hello, folks!

F3D Games asked me to do a “promotional” review for their up-and-coming browser game, Cimmerian Space. I promised them I’d review it to the best of my abilities (no playable beta yet…?).

So, if you read my blog regularly (which most of you don’t… I SEE THE VIEWER STATISTICS!), you’ll know that I hate freemium games. Freemium games are simply games that are free to play, but have in-game cash systems that is integral to proceeding: they allow you to level up, unlock quests, buy gear, remove ads, finish projects immediately, and get new characters and abilities. If you don’t pay, the unlocking of these game-improving features is either painstakingly slow or totally impossible. The very idea of a freemium game more or less appalls me, because the freemium model is only successful when it negatively reinforces most of the game you’re playing, in such a strong way that you are not paying for extra things, but rather you are paying not to be hindered by garbage limitations the gamedevs have put in place to drive their “business model.” Games like Farmville, The Sims, and even the Day-1 DLC of EA’s Mass Effect 3… they’re all business strategies that involve screwing the player into paying more than your game is worth just to play it.

There was also a post I did¬†about MMOs and the “waiting” games. I’m just reminding you of these things so that you know about my previously expressed opinions about freemium Facebook MMOs that involve waiting for things to complete.

Let’s get down to business about the game, now, shall we? Cimmerian is a nice word that means “very dark, gloomy, or deep,” according to the dramatic trailer. There’s also some mythological mumbo-jumbo about people living in perpetual darkness.

Essentially, the Cimmerians are, as I understand it, dark-matter hotties from outer space who sow chaos and destruction wherever they may go. Let’s have a look at the Cimmerian menace, shall we?

The only thing this alien model threatens is to violate the WordPress content rules.

The only thing this alien model threatens is to violate the WordPress content rules.

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The Terrible-and-Wonderful-ness of Candy Crush.

I don’t review mobile games. I don’t like talking about mobile games. I hate most mobile games with a passion that I would literally rather read soap bottles while sitting on the toilet than play any of the freemium garbage I can download from the Google Play Store (except for the GameBoy Color emulator. POKE’MON CRYSTAL, Y’ALL).

But dude. Candy Crush. Candy Crush is the most addictive piece of crap ever. I am not above saying this (however I am above saying “addicting” because that’s not a flippin’ adjective. Didn’t you learn parts of speech in 1st grade? You didn’t? Not my problem). Point being, I’ve sunk some time into this freemium piece of empty calories, and I’ve concluded through long hours of research (aka. travelling, waiting for doctor’s appointments, etc.) that this dumb game is made by very, very smart people.

And they look like this.

And they look like this.

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